Our friend, Douglas Coupar, was visiting us on board the other night. He, as are a few of you, is a big fan of this blog, and had a few questions for me. The first one had to do with a two wek period in which I did not post a story. He apparently was talking to another mutual friend about this strange disapearance, and it crossed their minds that we had, well, you know! Died!
I replied, alive as could be, that sometimes I can't access any wireless service and must wait. So there will be times when we're in an anchorage and cannot stay in touch via blog or email! Especially when we get into our intended destination in the Bahamas; we'll be a little ways out from civilization.
The other question had to do with the nature of living aboard. He is quite aware, as is James, that most couples who start out on these voyages don't return in their happily married state. The fact is that this is not an easy lifestyle. As ex-cruising sailorette Rose Gauthier put it, "It a lot of work!" Her voice laid much emphasis this as if it's enough to kill you! It almost is!
Now this brings me to my topic. How do women survive this "live-aboard" crap, anyway? As all who know me realize, I'm a big fan of deductive psychology, so let's plunge right into the icy waters of what makes a woman tick. Ready, Doug? James? Andy? All right, fellas...let's GO-O-O!
Like so many women, I enjoy relationships with other people. I like talking to them, getting to know them and really discussing things. Our relationships tend to more face-to-face. Take that away, and it takes a wee while, but I do start to get a little lonely and bored. So I start to look for other interests. I try not to stay lonely bored. Now men, on the other hand, tackle their relationships with other people differently, mostly. They enjoy working on a project together in side-by-side companionship. They tend to like doing stuff. they're more active. Task-oriented. They don't do chick-stuff like relating, shopping, and I must put an "etc." here, because I'm not really sure what else chicks like to do do...
Now, on our boat, (did I mention she is 36' long? Nottalotta room!), there is me, and there is James. And there is all that work. All the shippy things like stowing (and I mean properly!), lashing, hoisting, steering, being careful of halyards, sheets and other assorted not-to-become-flotsam, plotting, taking bearings, trip-planning, watch changes, ventilating, keeping warm, keeping cool, keeping dry, keeping up good spirits and being companionable. You would think I would have a hard time becoming bored! But this stuff is so new to me, also foreign to my creative-hemisphere brain, I do have a hard time with it.
If this sounds like there is more for Jim to sink hs teeth into than me, you'd be correct.
In the previous post, I mentioned some "settling in" issues I was experiencing. With that in mind, you could call living aboard a recipe for relationship disaster. I can see why most full time cruising couples don't make it! They split up, come back dispondent, change partners. Doug told me about one couple who live separately: she lives on land and has extended visits with him while he lives on board 8 months a year, and lives with her the other four. Sounds like a lot of expensive air travel! Finally, there are the majority of cruisers who maintain a family home and both live there during non-boating season.
As for us, we both intend on giving this much more time and working the bugs out. I have some things that stave-off boredom: my knitting when I can find some yarn (that's only been twice) I have my guitar on board, I have written a couple of magazine articles and writing this blog has been a great outlet for me. And I enjoy the creative task of living without a fridge, it permits me to experiment with recipe requirements for using shelf-stable foods and to not produce left-overs, (some day, if you're good, I'll tell you about the days we roast and demolish an entire chicken!). And Jim has All That Work! So things just might work out for us. Besides, he's awfully cute and, well! He's awfully cute!!!
A few people have made forays into the topic of cruising couples getting along all the time, but I've never heard anyone come right out and say that first of all, you're stuck with the spouse you start out with: if they're not up to the task of cruising, then either quit cruising or quit them!
I guess that sounds a bit harsh, but what are your options? Secondly, in order to give cruising your best shot, I've had to realize I must balance All That Work with some Michelle-y stuff, like walking, shopping for groceries and seeking a library alone. Meeting and talking with others. Emailing all of you guys, if I have your address. If not, slip me line!
So, Doug, there you have it: my take on how life is right now and how I'm learning to be a live-aboard cruiser and a woman. And, horrifically, all women are different, so they'll have to find their own specific answers. For now, things are working out. Most of the time!
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3 comments:
i think you're more machine than woman. a hard, resiliant machine!
umm...thanks.?
I was interested in your comments on men and women, and how their "cultural" differences affect how they manage for extended periods in tight quarters. Your observations on these differences between men and women rather mirror those I made a year or so ago in watching our grandchildren grow and develop into distinct personalities. I summed my observations up by asking friends and acquaintances the following question: "What is the most hurtful thing a little girl can say to another little girl, and similarly, what is the most hurtful thing a little boy can say to another little boy?" (I have subsequently realized that you can substitute "female person" and "male person" for little girl and little boy - I think the answers are universal and not age dependent). The answers are very different. For women, young and old(er), it is essentially "I won't be your friend any more!!", for the boys, it is "You can't play with my toys any more!!" Essentially I believe women value relationships, while men value and identify with their atifacts (and the skills to use them).
I suspect these values are significantly genetic in origin, not learned (although social practice reinforces them). Your observation that men, either on their own or in groups, essentially are happy if they occupy themselves with tasks, and thus seem to do better in the confines of a small boat, whereas women, lacking the opportunity to relate to other women perhaps do not do as well very much parallels my observations.
I believe that historically, men, although often dependent on the skills of other men (armies, teams, etc.) nevertheless could not afford to invest too much emotion in their relationships with fellow team members, fellow soldiers, or the other members of a hunting group. These activities were dangerous, and if a mammoth killed "Grok", while you might remember "Grok" as a great hunter, you had to carry on with the hunt/war/etc. "Grok's" spear, however, would be handed down to the next in line (and possibly be endowed with mystical properties if "Grok" had been a hunter of some renown). No tears were shed for Grok. He was honoured.
On the other hand, women have always been more intimately involved with children, both in bearing and raising them in their early years when they would be physically unable to do the activities of men, and a different set of social imperatives developed. Women established and encouraged social and support networks between themselves. The loss of a member of the group in this case would be traumatic and significant. Women could weep.
Although some of my friends find such observations to be politically incorrect, they are simply observations. They also let me better understand motives and actions of both men and women. Maybe it explains, to some degree, the age old prohibition of women on ships? Can women work well in teams? Does the "relationship thing" get in the way? (When Harry met Sally?)
What do you think?
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